Be About Your (Child’s) Business
Not only is it OK to be in your child’s “business”, it’s imperative as fathers, and parents, that we be in our child’s business. In fact, I wish my parents were more in my business growing up, especially in my teenage years. You know, the stage where I thought I had it all figured out and had answers to every question? That part of me needed a parent to be a little bit more in my business. To ask the “annoying” questions and sprinkle a little wisdom into my day to day. Although, I didn’t see it at the time.
Fast forward to today. One of the first things we question when a child is misbehaving, commiting a crime (sorry, jumped right to it) or acting unruly in a classroom, is parenting. It’s the easiest reference to try to explain the reason for these appalling actions. “Who raised these kids? and where are the parents?” Very common questions that I myself often ask. Now in fairness to some parents, there is such a thing as doing the very best for your child and that child still growing up to make bad decisions. It happens, yes. But I use the word “some” for that and not “most”. Most of us have the opportunity to influence our children to do the right thing and make the right decisions. And that’s on us. And in order to influence your children, you have to KNOW your children. Any guess where I’m going next? Yes?! So in order to know your children you have to be about your child’s business. You should know the kids that they are hanging out with. You should know the parents of the kids they hang out with. You should have a handful of clues memorized in your memory bank of when something is “just off” with your child. And just the opposite, when things are going great and they are happy, you should sense that as well. Is it easy, no. What part of the parenting book is though? But it’s not impossible.
So here’s my personal take on this topic and then I’ll share the approach I take with my daughters. Being about your child’s business is not intrusive. It is not overbearing, nor is it “too much”. There is a healthy approach to it and that is the message I am trying to convey. I get it, life is moving faster than it ever has for a lot of us parents. We can barely keep up with the commitments we have, let alone the commitments of our children as well. But being too busy in your own business, in your own world and not making intentional time to be in your child’s, can have consequences. Now, going back to my personal experience of not having parents in my business, I will say I turned out OK mostly, lol. There are a few things that I wish I had done differently. Or that my parents would have intervened in and educated me on. I say that to say, it’s not doom’s day if you don’t tap into your child’s life. But I am saying, don’t leave it up to chance. Don’t leave them to have to figure it out all on their own. Don’t let it linger until it becomes a regret. Ok, ok, I think you got it. Moving on.
Now here are some of the approaches (or rules haha) I take with my daughters:
If I do not know the parents, have never interacted with the parents, never seen the parents or have very little detail about the parents, it’s a no. (sorry but no. It’s not the same childhood I had where I would go missing for 16 hours around town on my bike hanging out with all kinds of kids)
I encourage my daughters to tell me or their mother anything they feel they need help or guidance with. My saying is, “you will not find two people that care more about your mistakes than your mother and I”. They already know I’m there for all the wins, but I NEED them to understand Daddy is here for the losses too.
We often talk about friendships. And as they get older, I will layer more onto this subject. But for now, I try to prepare them to understand that most of your friends really truly care about you when they are not hurt, in danger or trouble. But only some of your friends will truly care for you when they are hurt, in danger or possible trouble. Probably a little deep for my 8 year old who just shrugs it off mostly, but definitely something that unfortunately my 10 year old (almost 11 year old) has already had to try and understand as she heads to middle school in a few weeks.
We all have things that work for our families. Find your thing. Find what works. Find your child’s business while you are at it as well. Don’t leave them to battle these things on their own. If you haven’t noticed, it’s much different than when we were growing up (cliché, I know). So all that means is we have the challenge to parent much differently than our parents did with us.
Lastly, leave the light on, the door open and plenty of space for them to come tell you about their business. Make most of their business, your business. Love y'all (sorry it’s a southern thing).
